Neat things... that friends make

Good friends own a jewelry store, and custom make a fair portion of what they sell. I had some fun there today, watching my buddy work, and taking photos of stock and stones.

Fascinating to watch.... and I might learn to do it myself.

Their Mama's would be SO proud!

We are doing our State Inspection section right now, which means hours of straight theory on dull, dry, topics.

So... we relented and 'allowed' them to clean shop for an hour.
Spic and Span everywhere! Mops mopping. Brooms brooming.
Squeegees squidgying. The students mothers would be fascinated by this unusual behavior.

We should have a parents day, and invite the folks in to see how well their babies can clean a shop. All those teenagers who won't clean their rooms, or take out the trash..... no more excuses!

Yes..... I am evil. Thanks for asking.

Bwahahahaha!

The school just had an unannounced fire drill. The whole facility, hundreds of students, instructors, dogs, etc out onto the lawns and parking lots.

It is 19 degrees out.

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Ever watch 50 high school seniors hopping up and down in unison, most in
t-shirts, trying not to freeze solid?

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

And the good part is...

No matter how good or bad a day.... in the end I am at peace
with my decisions. Hard as it might be...

And.... there is one who's voice gives me peace too. Someone so
special to me now... that... I am at a loss for words

Sleep will come tonight, I know that. Deep, peaceful, sleep.

Oh bloody hell...

Bad afternoon at the ranch..
She showed up at school... luckily after the students left.
Blocked my vehicle in.... and I had 911 called before she got out of the car.
I took a few smacks as she tried to grab the phone... endured a lot of yelling
till the police arrived a few minutes later.... and they got her in a car.
Irrational as hell.

Now I need to talk with admin tomorrow and bring them up to speed.
One of the officers will as well.... he knows the principle .....
We'll have to make plans in case she does it again during the school day.

Lucky for me... my partner was there, and watched from a distance.
He saw it all, and knowing him will have notes written before the evening
is out. He actually counted how many times she hit me....

Bloody damn stupid way to spend an afternoon.

Sleep is fleeting tonight

Seems funny to say that, after only trying to sleep for an hour, all told.

I went to sleep not long before 9:30, exhaustion from the day taking hold. Back up by 10:30, my own dreams chasing me from a warm bed.

The evil little elf of angst having crept in and taken up residence, I think I'm up now till I can banish the bastard.

Perhaps... I need to evict the part of me that invited him in....

In any case.... no sleep for this one now.

With only a word
you sear a path to the core
laying my heart bare

Oh goody...

I spoke with a couple folks here about home hunting.
Word must have gone further... people are being 'nice' to me.

DAMN.

I hate it when they do that. One instructor actually made a special trip
just to bring me a cup of coffee.

I think that means I have to be 'nice' back.... and that is an unnatural state for me.
Maybe if I snarl at a few of them........

Searching for a new nest

Today begins the hunt for a new home.
or, at least a new house, or apartment, or maybe a nice warm tent besides a stream some place.

For now... I am warm, well fed, amongst friends, and loved. I feel strong, relatively sane (g) and in touch with my future.

Not bad... not bad at all........

What might you see, if you were here with me?

The friends I am staying with are unusual. Very unusual.
They don't lie, cheat, or steal. They believe in helping people, but not those who wouldn't help themselves. They will pray for anyone, but only when asked to by the person.

Their home is as unusual as they are... and as varied. Beautiful things show up every place you look..... some old as the earth itself, some as young as their grand child's most recent art work.

You can click on any of these photos to enlarge them...

I think today might be a fine day to go out and capture some images...

Gas costs enough, and money is tight enough, that it will be a consideration, but I'll find a place that suits walking. Perhaps.... the old buildings of a small town might offer some thoughts.

Big 'ol HINT

Friends..... here's whats called a clue.

When you are staying with friends on a bitterly cold winters night, and decide to close your bedroom door to cut down the visits from the dog while you sleep....

There is a certain value to first checking to see if the bloody heat vent is open in the room!

BRRRRRRR.

Blocked..... gone dry

I felt like writing..... had some thoughts I wanted to put into words...
Can even picture what I want to describe, in searing detail.

I just can't make the words jump through the hoops today.

Perhaps my muse is on vacation.... if you see it, aim it back this way.

In destiny joined
born separate, now one soul
coming together

A moment

Room to breath again... room to feel again...

Two souls now unbound
reaching out across the miles
breathing new purpose

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!

Settling in...

I'm getting fit into the environment here, at a friends house.
Good people, and they are making it easy. As soon as they stop
treating me a little bit like a guest.... all will be well. :-)

Their DSL modem snuggled right up to my notebook.... and they are already
buddies. I may try to scrounge a spare wireless network router and set it up for them, and it will be easier for all of us. Be nice to do something to say thank you for asking me to stay here.

The roads went to sheets of ice just as I arrived here this evening, so travel will be spare tomorrow morning. I am looking forward to Shirley's french toast, some good coffee, and some feet up time with a book. HMMmmmmmm...... a small slice of heaven. Zero stress.... even if just for a little while.

The last two days... just to make moving out a real slice of joy.... I officiated my first NATEF school evaluation team. The school had spent two years getting ready for it, and they were sweating bullets. That was nothing to the butterflies I was feeling.... I HAD to get that right. NO room for error.... and I think it came off fine. I ended up with a great team of professionals to lead, and the school had 90% of their duckies in a row. The rest, they got in place last night after we left so it was short work today verifying everything. It's a real relief that it went so well... there was plenty of room for a reals balls up, especially with my half addled brain running the eval.

All in all..... I'm calling today a win. Not a screaming victory.... but I'll sleep well.

Blogging shall be light for a while....

Again.... for a while, blogging shall be light.

I am moving a few of the important things this evening, and will be here
packing a little tonight. The last thing I pack up tonight will
be this computer. Oh, and some clothes.

Tomorrow morning, I head off way pre-dawn for Da Big City again, come hell or ice storms. Have to do my job there no matter what. That school has been preparing for this evaluation for two years.

Then.... I stay someplace else tomorrow night.

Kim is coming home tomorrow, in the company of her sister, who is spending the weekend. I'll be back this weekend to pack and move things.... It may be stressful.

Life is changing... right now.... and most change is scary. This will be no different.

Where I am going they have internet, but I will feel funny using theirs. Once in a while sure, but not for long periods of time, and probably not posting much.
From work when I can, and a free wireless type place otherwise.

Look for the posts below to go away soon..... I have vented.... it's time to put this to rest as much as possible, and look forward.

It's also time to look for a place to live permanently. Oh Joy.

A vision for the future

It's a bit hard to pull that vision up when it's so dark right now.
You know the one.... the vision of the future most of us strive for.
We get this picture in our heads, and on good days we can make a few
steps towards it.

I am thinking about mine right now.... my vision.... for the near future

I see myself living alone, in an old house, probably rented. A nice old place
with need for fix up, just enough to give it character. Hopefully with some land around it, maybe somebodies spare farm house. There are a few like that around this part of the country.

One, maybe two, rooms devoted to books and comfortable places to read them.
A porch... out of the wind and rain.... with a decent place to relax on hot days.
A kitchen I can cook in... and keep clean without a leaf blower and a firehose.

Life... full of work I mostly enjoy... with time free to think. Time to explore.... to create. Time to read, write, make photos, shoot, live life.

I see someone in my life.... someone I can talk to... and share with. Someone special beyond words. Someone.... to share the future with, in good time.

Right now.... my vision is limited.... but it's starting to get brighter than it has been in quite a while.

What a whinefest!

Holy shazbat..... I just re-read the last few posts..... again.....
and I think this should probably end. I'm doing an aweful lot of complaining
and not quite enough 'getting on with it'.

Ok..... time to rein in the pity wagon and start spending more time looking
to the future.

Oh.... and packing stuff in boxes.

A few hours off...

It's me again, the cruel heartless bastard.

After the session at the hospital, I needed a few hours to myself, so I came home.
I'll go back and run the adult class this evening, as I don't have any relationship with them. My high school students, we get to know each other, and right now it wouldn't be fair for me to be there this afternoon. I wouldn't be all there.

Bloody hell that was hard! Not the part of me saying what I needed to say... that had to be done. What was hard..... was causing the pain there was no way to avoid. NOT saying what I did would only lead to more pain for all concerned.

I made it as clear as I could, and the therapist helped make it clear to her.
It's over.... I am leaving.....

Nothing I haven't said already in the last week or so, it's just that maybe it will sink in with that setting. Oh hell, it's what I've been thinking of for months, if not years.

She'll be coming home in a few days. I need to have my stuff out by then, and best for all if I make that so. I'll take a storage bay this afternoon, and skip some sleep to get things packed and moved. I still have to teach evenings, and still have to be in Philly the next two days, and still have to be in school Saturday morning....
there is no time to do what must be done. Never mind, it must be taken care of.
Something will have to give, and I guess that will be sleep. So be it.

Thanks for letting me vent....

I know this will get better..... in time.... but right now, this part really sucks.


Update:

I arranged for care for her when she gets out, for the first few days, with her family.
I rented a storage area for the next three months.
I arranged a place for me to stay, with friends, till I can get a place of my own.
I came back to work to finish the evening class.

Just..... dealing with it...... Not sure whether to laugh or cry. Mostly just numb.

I should rename this blog "The soap opera I live......"

A milestone?

A thought sunk in this morning...

Yes, I am going to the hospital to talk with the therapist and her, to lay it out once again. But, not that thought. I don't like that kind of confrontation, but it must be done, again.

No... another thought......

I need to pack my stuff and get it out of the house. Now would be good.
She will be coming home eventually. I should not be there when she does.
I have to balance the pain she'll have of coming home to find some of my things gone, against the pain of her being there while I am moving it out.

She would have to be physically restrained I think.

I awoke, looked at the bookshelf next to the bed, and told myself "You are going to want those books..." Then I started thinking about what I will want to take..... and that I needed boxes.... and a storage area to park everything in... and...... and......
Books, tools, clothes, books, computer backups, books, more tools, and some books. Everything else can stay.. to be sold... burned... whatever. Great big yard sale and they can keep the money.

In fact, she can have my share of the house. My share of the cabin. My share of everything.

I guess I better rent a storage bay someplace. Maybe I can live in it too.

DAMN.

Half way through the day....

Half way through the day, and thats about how I am dealing with life right now.
One day, one hour at a time.

She took a bunch of Zanax on Sunday night, and left enough clues that even an idiot like me could figure it out. I had her to the hospital about half an hour later. No huge physical risk since I was there, but the psycho issue just exploded. Now she is admitted for evaluation.

The thing is... during that whole deal..... I was numb. Not angry, not worried, not anything... Just numb. I dealt with it, did my job, took care of her as required... but no feelings at all. Only a nagging sensation that I should be feeling more emotional, but also the realization that I am burnt out on that score.

I don't have it in me any more to give in to that mega threat..... "I can't live without you, so give me what I want, or else. Oh, and I love you."

Her doctor used the word 'manipulation', which hadn't occured to me till he said it. Seems like a perfect word now. But.... emotional manipulation doesn't work on someone who's gone numb. That's something I also realize now.

In a half hour or so, in between my high school class and my evening class, I'll give her therapist a call. She wants to get background on what's been happening. I'll give it all to her... every rotten detail if she wants. I'll start with now.... the last few months.... and my renewed interest in life. How I realized I was alive, and started meeting actual humans, and gained an interest in living...

How... I had pretty much accepted that 'This was how life is going to be', thats it.... and why bother if that's all the joy there would ever be? That was the thought that went through my head, even when I did something simple like eat a candy bar. "Yes, I know this is probably bad for me, but so what? Why should I live to get old if this is it?"

Then I'll tell how I started writing a bit, started meeting people on-line, made some friends, met someone more than special, and realized I actually wanted to live. That was what tipped her over the edge this time.... that I was developing a life and am on my way out the door. The gravy train is leaving the station.

I'll explain about her depression... which started at the death of our son over twenty years ago, and developed into major depression three years ago. How she's gone through a dozen doctors and every anti-depression med known, till now she's on a daily cocktail of drugs. How... every doctor seems to give up after realizing that she doesn't want to get better.

She is following her family background, and wallowing in every bit of pain she can gather to herself. (Her traditional family phone greeting is "Whats wrong?" followed by mutual attempts at oneupmanship. Her one sister actually claims to have cancer on a regular basis, just to gain status in the family.)

I'll explain how I've kept meds, guns, and everything else like that locked away from her for years... just to make sure. Why? Because she has pulled this before...
Several times. Not this bad, but almost.

The thing is.... it's always getting worse, never better. Sure, there are moments, days, weeks, when things seem almost normal (whatever that is), but then we are back to square one and she's hitting up the Zanax just so she can 'sleep through it all'.

I guess what I need to explain to this therapist, most of all, is that I've reached my end. Not the end of my life, where this was headed, but the end of my role as emotional crutch and slave working bread winner to a person who's only joy in life is spending money faster than I can make it while doing nothing to support the family at all. Wait.... that's not true. She makes sure we have clean clothes.
That's about it. No job, no cooking, no cleaning, not much of anything.

Oh, she devoted several days a week to looking after her mother and such, who is the queen of need. That was an hours drive each way and always seemed to involve shopping. I paid for that too..... for years.

Does it sound like I am bitter? Mean? Disloyal?
Yes, it does, because that is exactly how I feel right now.
I don't like that in myself... I really don't. But, even more, I don't want
to go any further into that pit. I've seen beyond the edge now, and I'm not falling deeper. I'm clawing my way out, and away.

I don't know exactly how this will play out. I know this... in the end, I will
be living alone here..... and sleeping peacefully for the first time in years.

To the question.... Why is all this coming out here?

The answer is not earth shaking. I need to talk, to vent, to work through my own issues. This is public, but only in a very limited way. It's mostly safe to talk here, and those invited to listen to my ranting are not fools. They are thinking human beings who can call me an idiot if they want to, without hurting my feelings. I don't like most people... but I'm comfortable talking to those who are here.

That's all... nothing more than that.

Update

A meeting is set up with the therapist, her, and I tomorrow. Purpose... to repeat what I have been trying to say for days without getting through: I am leaving. Not being the desired answer, it hasn't been heard so far. The psych ward staff person thinks it would be best to have it said again, there, to eliminate misconceptions on everyones part. So be it. I wish I could make this easier on all concerned, but it's not to be. Best done, and over with as soon as possible.

I've explored the thought.... trying to feel it out... will I regret this path one day? The answer that comes to me is this... I am now able to sleep, since I made this decision. Painful? Ungodly so.... but the right thing to do. Right is seldom the easiest thing to do.

Why....

Why did this blog go private?
There came a need to have it non-public for a while. I only know two ways to do that... make it private, or just make it go away. I don't want it to go away.. it's become important to me in many ways, for many reasons.

Some of the people I have met here have become very important to me...
as important as life itself.

I have written a lot of personal things here over the last few months. Were it just me, I'd say damn the demons at the door and full speed ahead. (Yes, that is a mixed metaphor, thank you). The thing is, it's not just me. There are others that can be hurt, and I need to limit that.

So... private blog for now. It will go public again, I am sure. When that happens, posts like this will probably be deleted first.

Whats happening in my life that is so soap-opera like?

Marriage breaking up.... badly. Years of dealing with another's major depression to a fruitless end. A life that just could not be endured any more. Suicide threats and attempts. Manipulation, control, clinging, honey coated demands.

Yes, I am an ass at times, and a selfish one at that. Despite that, after years of working two jobs and watching it pissed away by people who take....take....take.... and who's only demand is 'more'.... I've had enough.

I refuse to die in the harness pulling the load of those who won't. I refuse to surrender my life in service to those who refuse to live for themselves.


What is happening in my life? I've decided to have one, that's what.


Oh, and I shot a 352 in the military rifle match yesterday. 352 out of a possible 500. The best was about 430, a gent firing a very nice national match Garand.
I, of course, was shooting my $139 Turkish Mdl38 Mauser in 8x57mm.
1939 so-so military sights and no sling. I like a challenge.

(Lol.... MY spell checker recognizes the name 'Garand')

All the way to the scene of the crash....

Doing a shoot today.....

Loaded up for a shoot today....

Military rifle, bolt action for me this time.
I'll be shooting an 8x57mm Turkish Mauser. From the 1930's but
it shoots straight and clean.
Four stages, three positions, all at 100 yards. I haven't fired a match in months....

After that, running errands, drop a few things off with a friend, than back to clean a rifle. Four going, one coming back.

Also, time permitting.... cell phone shopping. Time to get a new one.
That will be like going to the dentist.. Necessary, but painful.

There will be NO food porn this weekend... sorry friends....

Reaching

Reaching out in the darkness
for the touch of her spirit
just beyond my fingers
feeling the warmth of her soul

Each caress, felt on my face
brushing away the cares
like whispers in the wind
messengers of feelings shared

Twisted strands of life

Some photos from today

Got to the range a while today..
Head got in the way of shooting really well, but still hit the target.

At 50 feet I could seriously worry a woodchuck with my carry pistol.
13 of 15 rounds in the space of a cartridge box.... not my best, but acceptable considering.

Spent the day out.... around.... talking with a few people here and there.
Found out I have some pretty good friends.

Most of the day.... spent alone.
I liked that.... Needed that right now.

Wow! What freedom!

It's funny how small a thing can make such an impression.
Here I sit... It's lunch time.... and I stopped at a Panera Bread store.
But... this time I have a working notebook PC with a good wireless
connection. That, and I am alone for a change....

Freedom..... comes in all flavors. The freedom to think is one of
best of all. Alone in a crowd.... and happy in my own world.
For a change, and for a while.....

Have to do this more often!

Open to suggestions....

Friends, I am not much of a talker usually...
Well..... only to a very few friends....

I extended invitations to the very few folks I speak to.
If you have suggestions on who to invite... I am open.

Private for a while

Mal-fits is going private for a while.
Life is just headed that way right now....

If you are reading this, then thanks for accepting the invite.

Take care.........

Blackness overtakes
Chasing away the sun light
leaving just a spark

Valentines day....

Not the day it could or should have been.....
I'd rather have had dental work by Mengele....

My friends, I hope your Valentines day brought you
what made you happy.

To more than friends.... there's nothing I can say.....

For a while

Blogging shall be light for a while.
Blame it on Chaos.

First time tagged....

First time I have been tagged with one of these. Cranky Prof did it.....
I'll play along..... Mostly.

1) The rules for this meme are:
2) Link to the person that tagged you.
3) Post the rules on your blog.
4) Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
5) Tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs.
6) Let each random person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their website.


1) I dislike tall bridges. Not the height that worries me, but low bidders and engineers.
2) I built a LOT of model airplanes when I was a kid. Had an entire WWII British airfield, and a German one as well. The Fokker triplane was a bear to detail......
3) I once took a trophy for drag racing at Atco speedway.
4) I haven't had a traffic citation, since 1985.
5) I have published articles and photos, and actually been paid for it.
6) This one is very private, and just to make someone I care for.... laugh.

Tag:

AllAtwitter
Phlegmfatale
Breda

More when I can think of who.....

Brain fade... good night....

I wish to post something here truly
mushy about longing and such.

Nope... just isn't happening.... the brain
has shut down.

It would have been really good though.......

Woke up, and the sky exploded!

Silence

Sometimes
Silence is the sound
of something missing

Sometimes
Silence is the sound
of someone missing

Sometimes
Silence is the voice
you still hear

Sometimes
Silence is the love
you always feel

Why I carry a camera...

Sometimes you see things.

There comes a time when coffee alone won't suffice....

And a man must eat.

Late lunch today, but worth the wait. I had some time to think about this, and stop at a grocery store.

You can see the pieces... here is what you see:

Oven roasted carrots, brushed with butter and garlic before roasting.

Grilled chunks of sirloin, rubbed with kosher salt and cracked black pepper, and a hint more garlic.

Fresh crusty rolls, gutted and brushed inside with olive oil and chunks of garlic, then toasted into boats.

The sauce.... is a simple creamy white sauce with Gruyer cheese and cracked pepper. Lots of pepper. There are a few other things in it too....

Plate it the way you see, and eat like a king.

Hmm... one of those mornings...I see....

I was wondering where the sunrise was... thought maybe the earth had developed a rotational stutter over night. Still dark....

Then I put big dog out..... and I see it's lighter..... Okay.
Then I look out the window... and it's much lighter.....

Oh, so it's one of those days. One where the sun is going to be shy, and only come out when nobody is looking. Gray, cloudy, snow in the forecast. A sneaky day, that happens while we do other things... sliding by without being seen.

Nope... too much to do today. Today will just have to shape up and get on the stick.

Oh bloody hell.........

Got home from work to a fun bit of news.
My 20 year old son tells me his girlfriend is pregnant.

Oh bloody hell!

I am so stunned I can't stop laughing!
What next? A nice cozy asteroid strike maybe?

Oh.... and another thing..... I came home to find out
my 13 year old son had just spent two hours on the phone
with a girl..... and he's going to a dance with her...

Four days ago he wouldn't wear a belt or keep his shirt tucked
in for a funeral, and today he wants to go clothes shopping and
also says he needs a new tie!

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.......... thud

Do the math on these assignments....

Today we assigned our students some more task work. We do this often, if not daily.

Todays little gift...... Each student will need to do 12 different wheels of drum brake assembly. Tear down each set of brakes, show us the bare brake shoes, then reassemble the brakes correctly. If it's not right, tear it down and do over.

45 students at the moment.

Do the math on that..... My partner and I will have to check 540 sets of brakes off the vehicle (easy), then 540 assembled drum brake setups (takes some time). That's 1080 individual inspections, if not one student made one single mistake. The reality.... we will have more like 2000 inspection operations to perform, with just this one task. While we do an elaborate theory lesson on the operations, with large screen live video of the hands on portion, we can till expect to re-teach it to at least half the class in the next few days.

In addition (Yes, we are cruel!) we issued a task requiring each student to do one wheel of drum brakes.... remove drum, tear down brakes, assemble brakes, and drum back on..... in 4 minutes or under. We time them. Thats another 45 tasks that will require one of us to stand there with a stopwatch while the other instructor manages the other 44 students in the shop.

The point of the first task..... is they learn how to properly put together a number of different drum brake systems and gain hands on experience. The point of the second task...... it can't be done without practice..... and gained skill.

I usually lose a few pounds during this section of the class....... :-)



Oh..... and something else for the mathematically challenged tie wearing class.
Today my partner had an 'observation'. That's where an administrator with less classroom experience than the instructor observes the teacher in action officially, then offers critical thoughts on teaching skill to the best of their official abilities.
It's state mandated, which is only reason it happens, I think.

The admins thoughts today....
My partner needs to split questions more equally between males and females in the class. Each gender should get the same amount of questions.
We are an Automotive Mechanics program. We have one female and forty four males. (She is an adult student paying hard cash to be there, and one of my best students).

Now... that means if we ask questions during theory, as we are supposed to, and try to involve each student, as we are supposed to, then we will ask each male *1* question and our one female *44* questions.

To an administrator.... this makes sense.
I regard it as another bit of proof that Darwin might have been wrong.

And another laugh

I need a laugh.......

Just when.....

You know, just when you think your world is falling apart around your ears, it's all your own fault, whoa is me, etc..... something pops up thats makes your life look pretty good.

That was me, this morning.

Arrived at work to a general E-mail.... One of our caffeteria workers is in the hospital and will be for a while. No paycheck (s) for a while. He works two jobs to support family. His parents house burned down, no insurance, and he supports them too.

Damn.

I walked down and shoved all the cash I had in the can.

Damn.

Currents and flows..... life moves

It's funny how, even in rock like this, there are currents flowing. Maybe slowly.... over eons, but flowing nonetheless.

Life has currents too, sweeping us along. Sometimes in tranquility, and sometimes roughly, like a storm tossed piece of driftwood, battered against the rocky shores of fate.

Hillary health care, at gun point, like it or not.

Ok, read this and tell me what you think.

Mrs. Clinton says under her rule universal socialist style health care VILL be 'affordable' and you VILL pay for it whether you want to or not. She has VAYS of making you pay.....

Don't want to pay for Hillarycare? No problem.... she'll steal the money from your paycheck before you have any say over the matter. Self employed and still refuse to pay? Goons with guns come to your door and shoot you and steal your stuff, that being the end result of disobeying any law long enough (for peons like us, not her).

Hat tip to MunchkinWrangler.....

Ayn Rand was right. Starting to look like John Ross was right too... and thats a frightening combination.