Monday, February 18, 2008
Why....
Why did this blog go private?
There came a need to have it non-public for a while. I only know two ways to do that... make it private, or just make it go away. I don't want it to go away.. it's become important to me in many ways, for many reasons.
Some of the people I have met here have become very important to me...
as important as life itself.
I have written a lot of personal things here over the last few months. Were it just me, I'd say damn the demons at the door and full speed ahead. (Yes, that is a mixed metaphor, thank you). The thing is, it's not just me. There are others that can be hurt, and I need to limit that.
So... private blog for now. It will go public again, I am sure. When that happens, posts like this will probably be deleted first.
Whats happening in my life that is so soap-opera like?
Marriage breaking up.... badly. Years of dealing with another's major depression to a fruitless end. A life that just could not be endured any more. Suicide threats and attempts. Manipulation, control, clinging, honey coated demands.
Yes, I am an ass at times, and a selfish one at that. Despite that, after years of working two jobs and watching it pissed away by people who take....take....take.... and who's only demand is 'more'.... I've had enough.
I refuse to die in the harness pulling the load of those who won't. I refuse to surrender my life in service to those who refuse to live for themselves.
What is happening in my life? I've decided to have one, that's what.
Oh, and I shot a 352 in the military rifle match yesterday. 352 out of a possible 500. The best was about 430, a gent firing a very nice national match Garand.
I, of course, was shooting my $139 Turkish Mdl38 Mauser in 8x57mm.
1939 so-so military sights and no sling. I like a challenge.
(Lol.... MY spell checker recognizes the name 'Garand')
5 comments:
I can think of a hundred Ayn Rand book bites that would fit here. But you know all of those.
What comes to mind is another writer I love, and whom I do not think you have read. Robert Parker's Spenser series. Please don't judge them by the really cheesy TV show based on the books. They're light reads,yes, mysteries, the earlier ones the best of the work, yet there is something in Spenser's character that speaks to me. Someone who has learned to live life, finally on his own terms. A life of reward for one's individual effort, and the the freedom of chosing your own code to which one answers to.
You see subtle and quotable reference in his books to Thoreau, with regards to the changing role of man and wilderness as fact and metaphor, as well as other writers I greatly admire, Twain, Faulkner, and Hemingway. Writers of men who have learned to survive on the fruits of their own labor in a civilization, perhaps not wooded, but still red in tooth and claw.
In one book he quotes Thoroeau's statement about "judging the cost of something by how much of your life you have to expend to get it".
When I finally ended a 9 year marriage to someone bipolar, and deeply irresponsible, after two, sometimes three jobs to cover their inability to hold a job, through tears, and moving and upheaval and completely lack of support for my life, the hardest thing was telling my Dad. (who had told me not to marry him in the first place, but being really young I didn't listen).
I told my Dad my that very thing, how I had to judge what something was worth to me by what it took from me, and that basically my marriage simply "violated my sense of thrift".
My Dad got it. You get it.
I have no other words for you. No one else would have endured as long as you did, given the conditions. Embrace your life.
Wow.....
It seems hard right now, but just making the decision to make a change is freeing enough.
You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Thank you for the invite here and I will be back, OFTEN!
Much to you~
I wondered about all of the little dark poems on here. I'm sorry to hear that your marriage is breaking up, but not so much to realize that it sounds like what you need to do.
Good luck.
You deserve to have your life.
I am so sorry you went through so much pain for all those years.
I can relate to some of it.
I am so very glad that you are able to take the step to begin, finally, your own life.
I'm so, so sorry.
You have my prayers and support. Let me know if you need anything.
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