Thoughts of the day....

I was shipped to another campus for the day for a special project, which
I finished quicker than planned. That means I was cut loose early.
Freedom..... and all I did was go home :-(

One thing I did have today was time to think, and add numbers, and
hit myself forcefully about the head.

The numbers I added were the costs of initial acquisition on an apartment/house rental, along with all the little blood sucking goodies that go with it. Things like electricity, telephone, heat.... things like that. No matter how it's massaged, I end up with numbers a few grand higher than my worldly fortune right now.

Let me answer the question right now.... I am coming from a relationship where finances were considered thus: "How much do we have now, and will have in the future? Good, lets spend it all plus some extra". After two decades of trying to change that, it turned into one of the reasons I left. I think it might have been the money that really struck to my heart, because it hammered on a respect issue.
The day she came home from a shopping expedition to Costco, with lots of what I call unnecessary things, and I equated the hundreds spent to my time working evenings as well as days. That really hurt... and it sunk in that no matter how hard I worked, how much I brought home, it would never be enough.

I left with a few hundred in cash. Thats it. I got that, not by taking from the 'budget', but by selling a firearm of my own. I make good money.... but it went into an ever widening black hole without end. That has stopped now.
I'll contribute to the family funds, but only after figuring out what I need to live.
I can live simply, and very much wish to. Will it be enough for her? No.... and I have come to not care. Simply because I now realize the truth... it will never be enough, no matter how much it is.

So..... after some heavy head scratching and number battles with my pride, I have come to the conclusion I'm going to be a house guest a while.

I think my friends figured that out before they invited me... and have been waiting for me to figure it out myself. That is likely why they have been reinforcing the welcome every few days. It took this long for my pride to subside to reality.

Damn.

Yes, I have had friends offer funds... and the same pride rears up. It's a balance.... accept cash and pay off that debt, or accept living here some months till I stack up my own cash. That is a debt in another form besides hard cash. Neither decision is easy. I'm not happy with either one. Neither feels right.
But... short of a lottery windfall (g) it's a decision to be made, and right now.

I think I better stop looking for a place right now and concentrate on straightening out my personal finances and stacking up cash. That feels like a personal defeat. On the other hand... I was mentally prepared to live out of the truck if need be, as long as it put me on the road to recovery.

My friend here just asked me why I'm putting my pride in front of their offer of a home as long as I want it. I don't have a good answer for that